Are you the dumping ground for your friends? The Emotional Landfill Trap:
We all know that friendships are a two-way street, but what happens when you find yourself feeling more like a therapist than a friend? Let me break it down for you.
Read till the end to watch the relatable clip from Sex and the City that finally made me get it.
I’ve known my friend for a good 15 years. We met on the battlefield that is customer service, bonding over the highs and lows that come with dealing with rude customers and even ruder bosses. Even after she moved on to another job and I followed suit a couple of years later, we remained close, catching up every now and then to keep the friendship alive.
The Pilates Promise Turned Weekly Therapy Session
It all began innocently enough. A longstanding friendship of 15 years decided to evolve with a Pilates class and a side of Chinese food. But soon, these cherished evenings began to feel less like “Sex and the City” and more like “Dr. Phil.” My friend began to share not just the Kung Pao Chicken but also every grievance she had with her coworkers, her boss, and anything in between. The sessions got so intense with a play-by-play, I felt like I could cover her job for a sick day — or even a month.
For the most part I learned to go with the flow, offer advice when I could or simply just be an active listener. I am a firm believer that we teach others how to treat us and I have taught her these friendship dynamics were ok and that’s on me.
The three catalysts
However, there were three separate incidents that have been the major catalyst for me to reassess my place in the friendship/
1. Birthday Blues: The Eye-Opener
The wake-up call came during my own birthday celebration. The conversation was dominated by — you guessed it — her work life. It was as if I was a mere spectator at my own party. It made me wonder, isn’t a birthday the one day where you’re allowed to be a little self-centered?
2. The Curious Case of the Forgotten Hobby
Then came another little nugget of reality. Despite many conversations and shared interests over the years, my friend seemed completely oblivious to one of my beloved hobbies. It was like being in a relationship where you suddenly discover your partner doesn’t know your middle name. And you wonder, have I become the backdrop in the theater of her life?
3. The ignored health scare. The one time I spoke up.
One day I got notification that I had to see a specialist the following month. It came out of the blue, I wasn't expecting to hear back for some time. I felt vulnerable and scared and I sent my friend a text message wanting support. I got a reply, but not the one I wanted. The reply was about something that happened in her day at work. The next three messages were the same. This time I called her out but nothing changed.
Not a Villain, But Perhaps a Monologue Artist
Don’t get me wrong; my friend is not a villain. She’s a single mom with her own set of struggles. But should that give her a free pass to make our friendship her emotional dumping ground?
Despite feeling like a second-class citizen in this friendship I don’t want to end it. We still have good times and she still has a kind heart and spirit but this is a blind spot for her.
It’s not narcissism, right? Accidental narcissist?
I want to point out, I don’t think this is narcissism at play. My friend does not have a great support network and bottles everything up all week until she can vent to me. It reminds me of that scene in Sex and the City when Carrie’s friend, overwhelmed with her consistent break-up talk suggests she goes to a therapist and she responds “why should I pay someone when we could talk for free?”
The guilt is real
A large part of me feels guilty for harboring any resentment. I want to be that rock of a friend who lifts others up with unconditional kindness. But at the same time, there’s a nagging desire for that same support to be returned to me. Writing this down gives me an uncomfortable sensation, as if I’m betraying the idea that kindness should be its own reward. Yet here I am, secretly yearning for a two-way street of emotional support.
Navigating the Choppy Waters of Emotional Equality
I’ve pondered taking the direct approach — having the “talk.” Yet knowing how words can pierce the soul and knowing how sensitive she is, I’ve hesitated. Instead, I’ve opted for the subtly of setting boundaries. A 15-minute call here, a rescheduled dinner there. It’s not the grand declaration that sometimes our lives demand, but it’s a start.
So, Where Does That Leave Us?
As I sat contemplating all of this, I couldn’t help but wonder: when did the rules of friendship become so complicated? Could it be that friendships, like any other relationship, require not just understanding and love, but also boundaries? And in setting these boundaries, are we preserving the friendship or signaling its end?
Certainly, one thing is crystal clear: A friendship devoid of boundaries could very well be a lopsided transaction, leaving you as the emotional dumping ground.
So I have to ask… How do you navigate being the emotional landfill in someone’s life without losing yourself in the process?