I was ghosted and I am still not over it.

Ghosting is a new term, but it’s by no means a new phenomenon. Cutting off all contact with someone is nothing new, but in an age where we are constantly “connected“ via our smart phone the intentional lack of connection hurts a little more. A lot more.

Ghosting happens in all relationships, friends, romantic partners, family members. In my story I was ghosted by someone I considered one of my closest friends. We would text daily. Share memes. Go to the movies. The gym. Dinners. Girly weekends away. I thought we would be friends all our lives. I was wrong.

My Story

There was no major fight or falling out. Without going into identifying specifics something was said in a passive aggressive tone that hurt me deeply and I pulled her aside and called it out. Not rudely but diplomatically. Up until this point I had let similar comments slide but timing is everything and I was overworked and tired and maybe a little fed up. Perhaps it was that others had heard the comment too and encouraged me to speak up.

Or maybe it was resentment building on my part for all the times I didn’t speak out. For all the times I didn’t feel heard or valued. For the times my opinion didn’t matter. For the times we never saw the movies I wanted to see or went to the restaurants that I wanted to. For the times she was chronically late and left me waiting alone or the last minute cancellations. For the times I felt compared to others. I was willing to overlook all that, because in friendships you accept the bad and good, right?

I apologized for snapping. I knew I hurt her and for me having an opinion. It was out of character for me. I usually laughed things off. Took it in my stride. I considered this friend one of the “cool kids” and felt special that she chose me to be her friend. To keep the peace I said sorry but I really did meant it. I never want anyone to feel bad on my account. She accepted my apology and I thought it was resolved and we enjoyed the rest of the weekend. Or so I thought…

And so it began…

The next day I sent my usual messages. A funny meme. A text asking how she was going. She had felt a tickly throat the day before. The message was read but no response.

She posted on social media she was sick in bed. I texted the next day asking if she needed me to make a pharmacy run for her. The message was read but no response.

Over the next few weeks I would send a meme or a message here and then. It was read but no response.

I got the metaphorical message. It hurt like hell. I grieved. I fell into depression. I didn't know what I did wrong. I went through every possible scenario. I punished myself. How can someone I shared my secrets with everyday for the past 7 years cut contact overnight. I thought our friendship meant more.

I eventually moved on. I had to. I still carried the hurt, a physical pain I could feel in my tummy. I was not ready to really accept the end of the friendship but this existence in limbo was making me sick.

The Text Message

5 months had passed. I still thought of my old friend daily but it stung a little less. It was less raw. I had grieved. I had grieved late family members before but this was a different grief. One without closure. I took the steps to move on. I had to. That’s when I unexpectedly received a message from her wanting to catch up to explain why she had cut contact. That message brought all the old wounds to the surface. I physically began to shake. All the pain was rising to the surface. I agreed to meet. I needed closure. We would meet the next day at a local coffee shop. Our coffee shop.

I was told how she had needed distance following our quarrel. She felt hurt. I respect people need distance at times, I really do, but to not vocalize that and disappear for 5 months is hurtful. No it’s more than that. It’s cruel. Unless you have been ghosted you just cant describe the hurt. The lack of closure. Calling it distance doesn’t negate the fact it’s ghosting.

Still wanting to salvage the relationships I apologized for the hurt caused, even though I am not entirely sure if I was in the wrong, but that didn't matter. I wanted my friend back. We were clearing the air and I thought I would explain why I reacted the way I did and how her comments hurt me. I let her know that i’m sure it wasn't her intent to hurt me. She was taken aback. This coffee catch up was to discuss how I hurt her, not the other way around. We ended on a cordial note with the promise to catch up the following week.

She never said sorry…

On the drive home. It hit me. I apologized for any unintentional hurt caused. She never did. This was all about how she was hurt. My hurt did not matter. It was irrelevant to the story…

One last olive branch

I sent her the message the next day telling her I am glad we caught up and hope to slowly rebuild what we once had. No response.

What i’ve learned

Ive read a lot about ghosting over the past five months and common consensus is ghosting is not about the person being ghosted but the person doing the ghosting.

For whatever reason, they lack the emotional maturity to face the problems in a relationship head on so they take the easy way out. Cutting contact cold turkey.

To anyone considering ghosting consider this.

You are allowed distance. You are allowed to end friendships that don’t serve you anymore. However, it’s only fair to let the other person know what’s going on. Cutting off contact overnight is not distance. It’s ghosting.

It’s far better to end the relationship so closure and moving on can happen or ask for some space. Otherwise it’s just a practice in emotional cruelty.